Friday, August 28, 2015

Falling For, Then Failing Klara

Outside of a few very short-lived ‘relationships’, I have been largely single now for over a decade. In February 2005, a five-year relationship of mine ended. And now, for the past 10 years, I have been hoping someone would come along who would fill that void in my life, someone who could grab and keep my attention and focus for more than a few months.

The knock on me with friends and family for years now has been that I always seem to be searching for something better. I was always looking for the perfect woman. I have even caught myself at times looking for flaws in a woman, rather than appreciating what she had to offer. In most cases, I would eventually understand that I needed to appreciate them for who they were and the great qualities they had, but by then it was generally too late.

Then comes along Klara. A physically-beautiful young lady from the Czech Republic, who comes with even more beautiful intangibles. Very quickly, I learned that she was someone who melts my heart through the combination of her voice, smile and her gorgeous green eyes. Her accent when speaking both English and Czech, her little giggle, her smile and the look in her eyes when she’s watching me speak, the proper way in which she carries herself, even the orderly fashion in which she keeps her flat in Prague … the whole package captured my attention and focus in a way that no girl has in a very long time when we met in person for the first time last month.

I spent five days with her during my trip to Europe in late July and early August, and without her knowing it, everything she was doing was causing me to fall deeper and deeper for her. During a visit to the botanical gardens in Prague, we took a short nap in a hammock, and I told myself, ‘This really might be the one’. Simply grabbing lunch or dinner, a walk to the nearby park close to where she grew up, having a couple drinks in Old Town, and in the best night I can remember having in a long time, watching her salsa dance and tango, and then give me a lesson in each out in the streets of Prague afterwards.

I was smitten. I was infatuated. Was I, for just the second time in my life, in love? As I sat in church at my cousin's wedding two weeks ago today, I recall myself imagining what it would be like to maybe someday marry Klara. Wow, I told myself, I cannot remember the last time I had thoughts that deep, that committing, that everlasting, about a woman.

This all sounds like we’re on the way to something very cool, and leading up to a great ending to this blog, doesn’t it? If only that were the case. If only, I had allowed that the time to be the case.

Instead, I grew excited, got way ahead of myself, and allowed myself to get entirely too caught up in this new love interest of mine. I didn't give her the space she needed to digest everything that had just happened. After coming home from Europe, all I wanted was to be able to see her, and since I couldn’t do that, all I wanted to do was message with her, talk to her on the phone or FaceTime, and plan for her visit here in November. I didn't know how to behave, only because I had forgotten how to behave when you felt this way about someone. 

With all these emotions I was having, with the excitement around a new work opportunity that would pave the way for me to relocate back to Prague, my 'second home' as I call it, I became lost in the moment. I didn’t know the proper way to carry on while trying to grow closer to someone who lived over 4,000 miles away, and all I wound up doing was pushing her away. You see, women enjoy a challenge, and I had made it clear through my actions, that I was no longer a challenge to Klara.

Then came frustration that it seemed maybe her interest level was not what mine was, and it led to me doing and saying some things last week that I wasn't proud of. Things not in my character, and that I wouldn’t approve of someone else doing.

So, what did I do? Earlier this week, without any family or friends knowing, I flew over just to see her and apologize to her for how I acted last week, spending less than 24 hours in Prague and traveling 36 hours round-trip to simply have coffee and a tram ride to her next errand with her.

And then now it takes me less than three days to screw everything up again, simply because I didn’t have the patience to wait and hear from her, to let her digest what I had done in coming over there. To allow her time to see what her feelings were for me. Today, I lied to her, and cursed at her. Things I couldn’t ever imagine doing to someone I might be in love with. Things I’m pretty ashamed of.

So now here we are, less than a month after spending maybe the best five days of my life with her, and truly having my heart feel like it’s going to burst through my chest at any point every time I speak to her, getting nervous like a high schooler talking to his first girlfriend, I’ve managed to completely push her away, this time likely forever.

After searching for a decade for someone like her, she’s gone. And now I’m back to being lost again. Klara, if you’re reading this, please understand how much you mean to me. I don’t care if the whole world knows when I say this - and many  of the most important people in my life will be reading this and will think I'm crazy for putting myself out there in the public like this - but in a very short period of time, you have become extremely important to me, and you being a part of my life has put me on cloud nine these past four weeks.

I just wanted you to know that, and I guess this blog might be the only way to communicate that to you in a fashion that you grasp how serious I am. And more importantly, I wanted to you to know how very sorry I am for lying to you. Love, or maybe more accurately, the potential of losing someone you love, can make you act out of character, step out and do things you normally would not do. I hate myself for how I have pushed you away, and hope that somehow, someway, I can have you back in my life again. You mean, even after this very short period of time, so much to me.